so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
