oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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