Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
