I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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