A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
