You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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