I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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