My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
