maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
