i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
