Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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