he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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