Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Randomize
