just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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