I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
