just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Randomize
