At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize