Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
