seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
