Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
