i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
