I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
