3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
