mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
