I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
