Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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