I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
