the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
