So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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