you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
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