Your mouth is God's brothel.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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