Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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