Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
