But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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