i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
