K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
