I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize