so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
