I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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