Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
