Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
