so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
