oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
