Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize