Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
