You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
