were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
