It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
