I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I cannot find my penis.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
