The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
