This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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