I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
