I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
