i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
