Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
