I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
