I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
