No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
