Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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