I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she looked like the before picture.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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