I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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